Front Page Addiction: Destroying Families, Ruining Lives

*** As my first real parody piece, I am moving this up in the blog to see if it gets more comment luv. ***

A little-known but dangerous epidemic is spreading across members of social media websites like Digg, Reddit, Propeller, Newsvine, and Mixx.  Like a secret scourge, SM-FPA (social media front page addiction) isn’t making national headines yet, but the effects have been felt in thousands of households across the world.

“Ever since my wife’s submission hit the front page of Reddit last month, we only see her on the way to the bathroom,” said Jake Dixon.  His wife Amber, better known as “diggwho”, made the front page of Reddit with a story titled Bush makes more people mad by saying something stupid.  Since then, Amber has been submitting 15-25 stories per day and has a submission hit the front page 3-5 times per week.  She declined to be interviewed.

Research scientists at the Social Media Institute of Technology (SMIT) in Kolkata, India, say that Mr. Dixon and his family are not alone.  They have documented 342 confirmed cases of SM-FPA in 2007 and estimate the actual number in the thousands.

Chief socialmediatologist Tapan Patel says dozens of treatment techniques have failed.  “Because each social media site has different ways for submissions to become hot or popular, it has been extremely difficult to isolate a cure.  We’ve used drugs, had accounts banned, and even tried a new technique called Taser Therapy where we have members of law enforcement perform electro-shock treatments.

“It’s almost like a virus that mutates.  Just when people think they’ve figured out how to make the front page, the social media website algorithms change, prompting an increase in SM activity.”

For Kim Kiyotu, her family’s problems are doubled.  “My husband has been a front page addict on Digg for over a year now.  It was manageable, but when he discovered Mixx last month, he was soon fired from his job for excessive absences.”

After being kicked out of his house two weeks ago, June Kiyotu, “asianassassin69″ on Digg and Mixx, spends most of his waking hours at the public libraries in his area that offer free internet access.  “I know it’s a problem, but you can’t understand how FPing (front paging) a story makes me feel.  Nobody can.”

Rick Shaw, Director of PopUrHere, a half-way house for recovering FP addicts, says the solution is in recognizing the problem.  “We reach out to everyone we find who shows signs of SM-FPA.  If they are submitting dozens of stories at different hours of the day and night, we know we’ve found someone who needs our help.”

He continued, noting that the problem is not just with the addicts themselves.  “It doesn’t help that some of the most active Diggers, Propellers, Redditers and Mixxers have fans that vote for all of their stories.  If you are one of those who damages these poor souls by hitting their submissions, stop.  Stop right now.  The damage you’re doing is heinous and obscene.”

SM-FPA and other Socially Transmitted Diseases have caught the attention of Washington.  “We’re actively pursuing the problem of STDs,” said Janine Rodgriguez-Callahan, the spokesperson for the recently-formed Department of Homepage Security.  “Plagues such as stumblitis, tweeteria, and youtuberculosis must be stopped.  We are weighing all of our options.  The US will start with sanctions, but if the President feels it isn’t enough, airstikes on the headquarters of each social media war criminal are not out of the question.”

There is opposition.  Some groups have been vocal in their support of peoples’ right to participate in social media at whatever level they choose.  The National Society of Frontpage Warriors (NSFW) has issued a response to the recent backlash against SM-FPAs.

We at NSFW feel strongly that every individual on the planet has the unalienable right to Digg or Stumble as much as they want.  We need the leaders of the world to understand that there is good that comes out of making the front page.  To this end, we support Ron Paul as the next President of the United States.

The organization is making waves through their lobbyists because of a constant flow of financial support given to the group by corporations that include Apple, Firefox, the Wall Street Journal, Pirate Bay, and several search engine optimization firms.  None of the companies’ could be reached for comment.

If you or anyone you know suffers from SM-FPA, call the STD hotline at 888-DIGGTHIS.
* * *

Related Links:

* * *

JD Rucker

+JD Rucker is Editor at Soshable, a Social Media Marketing Blog. He is a Christian, a husband, a father, and founder of Dealer Authority. He drinks a lot of coffee, usually in the form of a 5-shot espresso over ice. Find him on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.

30 thoughts on “Front Page Addiction: Destroying Families, Ruining Lives

  1. The only things that makes social media worthwhile is the potential of making a Human connection. Beyond that, it’s all nothing more than bullshit.

  2. Hey JD Rucker,
    Great post Rucker.I am your regular reader You have nice approach of socialmedia.
    You can also read interesting articles I write on my site:
    http://www.robinchhabraandsameerpatel.com
    Hopefully, that was a bit insightful and helpful for you.

  3. Grapeseed oil is extracted from the seeds of wine grapes.
    For cooking purposes, the oil is usually extracted chemically from the tiny grapeseeds.

    Grapeseed oil, as the name suggests, is pressed form the seeds of
    grapes.

  4. Someone necessarily lend a hand to make critically articles I’d state. This is the first time I frequented your web page and up to now? I surprised with the analysis you made to make this actual put up incredible. Excellent activity!

  5. Hello, i think that i saw you visited my website so i
    came to “return the favor”.I’m attempting to find things to enhance my web site!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!!

  6. I don’t know whether it’s just me or if perhaps everybody else experiencing issues with your website.
    It appears as though some of the text in your posts are running
    off the screen. Can someone else please provide
    feedback and let me know if this is happening to them as well?
    This could be a problem with my internet browser because I’ve had this happen before. Thanks

  7. It’s gonna genuinely you could make your personal room fill much more traditional when compared
    to a simple couch seat. Have a look at boxes, cabinets and
    desks which generally form section of the furniture.
    If you’ve got a house where the bedrooms are certainly not that big
    then light furniture is the best way to go.

  8. They are seeking to hire and individual who is able to manage the farm office,
    when needed, and also to act as a Yard Manager. Initially you should accompany the owner on a short drive making sure they cover A and B roads.
    Ute Hire Utes are currently available Ute hire Sydney ,
     Canberra and Brisbane.

  9. Hey there! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering if
    you knew where I could get a captcha plugin for my comment
    form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble finding one?
    Thanks a lot!

  10. Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The text
    in your post seem to be running off the screen in Opera.
    I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with
    browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know.
    The design and style look great though! Hope you get the issue fixed soon.
    Kudos

  11. With the steady expansion and grow attractiveness of Xbox Live gaming
    solutions, Microsoft has grow to be decided to totally create by itself
    as a a person-quit shop for the on-line necessities of
    people today. Whether you’re taking advantage of the free one-month trials offered with your console or tracking
    down a free 48-hour Xbox Live Gold trial somewhere online, you can find ways to play your favorite games online,
    at least temporarily, without spending a dime of your own money.
    s new approach actually treats it as a mobile device, instead of mini desktop
    computer.

  12. The Newspaper: At the end of your driveway opposite the store is a
    mailbox with a newspaper. Do not confirm that you want to send the gift, instead go through each of the
    tabs again, and select exactly the same friends in each window.
    Do not waste them early on or you will regret
    it, and be tempted to buy more.

  13. 12, 2010, the city of Birmingham will present the Farmers Market Hay Day to celebrate the city’s agricultural
    heritage. Use your creativity to come up
    with cool and unique designs for your farm.
    Meaning to say, that while many of our colleagues believe that this is one of the weakest talent pools for the
    American Triple Crown in recent memory, we disagree based on which horses were sired by whom.

  14. to honor Birmingham’s history of farming and agriculture.
    And I have already raised the issue with some of the people who helped frame the noontime Naples,
    FL tea party. Meaning to say, that while many of our colleagues believe
    that this is one of the weakest talent pools for the American Triple Crown in recent memory,
    we disagree based on which horses were sired by whom.

  15. Debt consolidation services are worthwhile if the gains on the debt repayment plan could be an even greater benefit to
    you. Balance transfers are not the same as what you
    need to think about the negatives, especially when a mortgage is held against the
    house. Some credit cards have huge interest fnb debt consolidation rates that would help
    determine if this is the one, which you take to
    pay off. What To ExpectWhen hiring fnb debt consolidation a debt consolidation loan that has a great interest rate.

  16. I do consider all of the ideas you have offered to
    your post. They’re really convincing and will
    definitely work. Still, the posts are too short for starters.
    May you please extend them a little from subsequent time?
    Thank you for the post.

  17. Hello this is knda oof off topic but I was wajting
    to knkw if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if youu have to manually code with HTML.
    I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding know-how so I wanted to get advice from someone with
    experience. Any help woukd be enormously appreciated!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>